Friday 22 February 2013

A tough conversation....

I have someone special in my life, it's my step sister & she has Acute Myoloid Leukemia, she has been battlng this bastard cancer for just over a year now & it's got the upper hand...

She has tried everything humanly possible to beat it, her partner scans the World Wide Web daily looking for & connecting with researchers, Doctors, naturopaths, anyone who can offer them hope to run this cancer out of town. Conventional chemo is what is keeping her alive at the moment, her bone marrow is packed with leukemic cells & as they spill over into the blood the chemo sweeps them up, it keeps the symptoms under control, in fact at the moment she's doing okay, it's no cure but as long as she doesn't get an infection the status quo can remain.

She has been in hospital for 8 weeks this time, she's been in Medical High Dependency, she's been knocked down by continual infections, stomach blockages & that god awful C-Diff but to quote her when she gets yet another 'death speech' from her Prof - 'I'm not ready mentally or physically to die yet so you do your job & treat my infections & leukemia, I'll do the rest'. What a girl!

I get to visit at least twice weekly & spend a few hours with her, some days we just sit & be, others we piss ourselves laughing. One time I walked in to find her being weighed, she looked up at me, bald & stick thin, pumps the air with her fist & says - 'Whoo hoo, I've reached goal, 65kgs', I couldn't make it to the loo fast enough (weak bladder after 2 kids), I was crying with laughter....

Today was a good day in so many ways, Prof has been encouraging her to get out of her room, the same 4 walls for 8 weeks can drive a person nuts, so I came up with a cunning plan. Grab a
wheelchair from Information & spring her out of the joint, down to the courtyard & soak in the sunshine. The plan nearly fell apart before it started....no wheelchairs! I had a brief (albiet bad) thought of turfing out the smokers in wheelchairs out the front of the hospital that sit under the 'No Smoking' signs & chuff away but thought better of it! So stealing a wheelchair would have to happen from somewhere else. I went upstairs & roped her partner into my crime, he disappeared, only to return 10 mintues later with a wheelchair, I didn't ask where it came from, best not too I reckon.

We got all the nurses in on it & the excitement was infectious, they loved the idea & thankfully so did my step-sis! Now, pj's off, undies - check, bra - check, street clothes - check, sunnies - check, sunscreen (for the noggin) - check & off we went. Her partner was pushing the wheelchair & I was in control of the IV pole, it was tricky but I managed. Have you ever been into the bowels of Westmead Hospital? No, neither had I but down we went & found a quiet little courtyard with a gentle breeze, the sun streaming in & no swooping magpies. I watched this girl breathe in & relax, she could hear the birds & feel the sunshine on her face for the first time in weeks. It really is the little things, the smile that lit up her face bought tears to my eyes, she held my hand & we sat.

We sent her partner off to get coffee & the conversation began, I can honestly say it was one of the most harrowing convo's I've ever had....see, she's dying, we all know it & for the first time she actually admitted it, she told me I am the only person she's ever said it out loud too & she sobbed, gut wrenching, soul destroying sobs, I held her hand for dear life & let her cry. She has no hope, for the first time she believes that the alternate medicines her partner has been finding for her are not going to work, the only thing keeping her alive is the chemo, she wants to stop but feels she can't let her partner down, he has invested so much time & love into her illness she feels stuck. I sat & I listened, what could I say, in the end I told her it was her decision & hers only.....

I felt so helpless, she's 25, just 25....

We sat for a while longer, drank our coffee, she watched, we drank, she's nil by mouth!

She closed her eyes & enjoyed the sunshine, we smiled & held hands........

Lisa xx