I'm sorry.....

I have never done this before...

Today I read a post that really struck a cord with me over at Edenland's blog, a link is to the right of this post, it was about being sorry, so here goes...

I'm sorry that at times I'm not the person you want me to be.

I'm sorry that I make mistakes & struggle at times with being a wife, mother & friend.

I'm sorry that I am no longer a daughter.

I'm sorry that I can't make you happier.

I'm sorry that I never feel good enough.

Does it makes sense to say that I am not sorry for being sorry? Feeling sorry causes me pain, but that pain makes me realize I am alive & exactly where I want to be....

Lisa xxx

I'm beginning a journey......

Today I have begun a journey.....

I had my first appointment with a psychologist, I have not been in a good head space of late, I'm sad, I'm not sleeping, I'm withdrawing from my family & my friends & it is only getting worse. So I took myself off to the world's best GP & sat there & cried, then I cried some more, we talked, I unloaded, cried a bit more & then she did some test where I scored a 28, wrote me a Mental Health Plan & wrote me a referral to see a psychologist, I have depression.

I'm not surprised, when I think of the shit that I have been through over the last 3 years, the sudden & tragic death of my Mum, the contesting of her will etc. I've been tap dancing through my life these last few years trying to convince everyone around me that I am okay, here I am on top of Pandora's Box (which is my life) trying to keep the lid on as I tap away, waving my arms in the air giving the performance of my life. I was good, but I'm tired now & I need to deal with my shit.

I'm a little scared, I'm not sure where this journey will take me......it can only be good, right?

So as I sit here writing this I feel drained, I'm close to tears, but I feel positive. We will talk about a range of stuff I suppose, my feelings, my fears, my hopes, my childhood, my Mum, her death, my father, my first stepfather, my second stepfather, the fact that not one of them is in my life anymore, my husband, my marriage, my kids, my friends, all the things that make me who I am today.

I need to be kind to myself & take it day by day, because I have to believe I will get better & there is light at the end of the tunnel.

Lisa xx