Today I returned from one of my many visits to the psychologist feeling good. I am getting better, I still have my ups & downs but in general more ups than downs.
I have learnt quite a bit over the last few months - quite a lot about my relationship with my Mum.
I had been feeling very guilty about going through this process as I felt it was a betrayal to her memory, weird I know but in my mind it was a criticism of her & the way she raised me. After much discussion during my sessions our relationship was really put in perspective for me. A big step.
To give you some background I am an only child, my Mum was married three times, her first husband, my father I have never met, her second husband, my stepfather (he adopted me in 1972) left when I doing my HSC. That same year my Mum tried to take her own life. They briefly reconciled only to divorce in 1991, the year I got married. That same year she met her third husband, they were together for 17 years, married for 8.
Our relationship had its issues over the years, nothing major, normal mother/daughter stuff but I was privy to every aspect of her life, we were the one constant in each others lives, we could rely on one another each and every time.
During one of my sessions I was asked by my psychologist to use two little Lego figures to demonstrate to him my relationship with my Mum. I chose one with a green dress for her (her favourite colour) & one with a red dress for me. I then placed the figures side by side......
Interesting he said, I had shown our relationship to be one of partners, equals, the relationship you would normally have with your partner or husband, not your Mum. There is no wrong answer but a healthier mother/daughter relationship would be one where the figures face one another (a learning pose) or mother in front, daughter behind pose (mother leading pose). Those are the 'traditional' relationships whereby you are learning off your parent & as you develop you are given the skills to go it alone. Disappointment is part of that relationship but not necessarily betrayal.
I have been working really hard to change my thinking & understand that I am in no way responsible for my Mum's life choices, they were hers alone and through that I have started to change. I don't want to end up like my Mum, extremely overweight, not dealing with stuff & ultimately unhappy. I know I am on the right path.
I am looking after myself, putting me first for a bit. Over the last 6 weeks I have lost 5.3kg, I have a long way to go but for the first time in my life I have not opted for the 'quick fix', I am doing it the right way, the weight is coming off slowly, that's the way to do it. I have also chosen to add a Lifestyle & Nutrition Coach (Nicky Lavigne from www.thesublimeyou.com) to my support network. I met Nicky on Twitter, we catch up in real life & I have come to consider her a very close friend.
An added bonus with my sessions is that I come home & talk to my husband about what we discussed, this is opening up the lines of communication again. We actually talk to each other for about an hour after each session, he actually hears me!
I am in no way near the end of my journey but have certainly put a dent in the process. I can see the light at the end of the tunnel & that feels good!